More Thoughts on Friendship - Affection, Equality, Paying Attention

In her comments on my last post about friendship http://wordsabouthorses.blogspot.com/2010/02/some-thoughts-about-friendship.html#comments Lynne Gerard opined that following the Golden Rule (“Do unto others as you would have them do unto you”) is the best guideline to relationships with horses. With a big smile on my face I replied with George Bernard Shaw’s comeback: “Do not do unto others as you would that they should do unto you. Their tastes may not be the same.”

Of course Lynne is absolutely right -- no one, horses emphatically included, wants to be treated like a slave, coerced to work, or have no say in things. In some ways we certainly should “do unto others” as we would like to be done unto.

However, it seems to me, the venerable Mr. Shaw is absolutely right, too. When we just “do unto” a particular other as we would like done unto us, without bothering to ascertain that particular other’s unique tastes, predilections, and preferences, are we not sometimes being at least a tiny bit thoughtless and inconsiderate, perhaps even arrogant and disrespectful?

Not only are horses different from human beings in several significant ways, each horse is also a unique individual. So, a human being who wants to befriend this unique and different “Other” not only needs to learn about horses in general, he needs to get to know this one particular horse.

“The only way to have a friend is to be one.”

Ralph Waldo Emerson

How do we begin? It seems to me that the first thing a person needs to do is to get clear on something vitally important. He needs to ask himself the question: Do I love horses? Do I genuinely like them, or is it something else that I really care about?

That may seem like a ridiculously useless question, but what I’ve noticed is that some of us say “I love horses” when the truth of the matter is that we like competing in horse shows. Or, we like being seen as talented horse trainers. Or we just love seeing the world from a horse’s back, but the living breathing being on whose back we sit doesn’t really matter all that much to us as long as he carries us safely. Or, we like the money that we earn shoeing or trimming horses’ hooves, or administering to their needs. In other words, it is not horses themselves we love -- it is riding or training or some other ego boost or financial reward that we get from horses. That is not at all the same as loving horses, or loving a particular horse just for himself.

“Let yourself be silently drawn by the stronger pull of what you really love.”

Rumi

If we are not clear on why we are doing what we do, we will have a hidden agenda, an ulterior motive and because of it, we will come across as incongruent -- we will “speak with forked tongue,” “saying” one thing but meaning or doing another. We'll say "I want to be your friend" when what we really mean is "I want you to think I'm your friend so that you do X for me." Incongruence induces anything from slight uneasiness to outright fear in the perceptive Other. A person who thinks or feels one thing but acts out something else cannot be trusted. Human beings can sometimes be fooled for a while; a horse will sense incongruence almost instantly. So, before setting out to become friends with horses or a particular horse, we ought to be certain that this is in fact something we really want to do out of our genuine heartfelt affection.

“You cannot be friends upon any other terms than upon the terms of equality.” Woodrow Wilson

In addition to love, liking, or at least genuine affection, another “pre-requisite” to friendship is equality in the relationship. Among human beings, this is usually not an issue. Generally speaking, we humans are free to associate (or not) with whom we wish. A person who tries to force his presence, his “friendship”, on another despite the other’s disinterest or objections is exhibiting deviant behavior and violating laws against harassment and “stalking.”

With horses it is different. The horse is our captive. He has no choice about where he lives or with whom he associates. Nearly all the power in the relationship is in our human hands. To remedy that, to restore some balance, we have to consciously relinquish much of the power we hold.

“No person is your friend who demands your silence or denies your right to grow.”

Alice Walker

It is up to us to do whatever we can to make sure that the horse’s feelings count as much as ours, that he has the right to freely express those feelings around us; it is up to us to learn to know his preferences and opinions, to show him that he has a choice about interaction with us, and to make sure that the horse knows all this.

Assuming that the “pre-requisites” of genuine affection and the presumption of equality are in place, we proceed to do what friends and would-be friends do to get to know each other better: We hang out together. Hanging out can take the form of just sharing space, or taking a walk, or playing, or mutual grooming, or..... What we do together is not particularly important, so long as we both are enjoying whatever-it-is. What matters most is that we, the humans, are fully present, open-heartedly receptive, mindful, paying attention.

“The first duty of love is to listen.”

Paul Tillich

Horses are supremely aware beings. Unless shut down by illness, trauma, or severe abuse, a horse is continually tuned in to his surroundings -- the sounds, the scents, the sights, and the energetic state of those around him. It seems to me it must be particularly hard on horses to have us physically in their company but mentally and emotionally absent. What I mean by that is that we humans are so busy -- multi-tasking, talking on our cell phones, conversing with the human barn mate, or lost in our thoughts of the argument we had with our spouse that morning or the difficult situation at work that requires our input -- that we become oblivious to the horse right here beside us, the horse we are grooming, or even riding. Not only are we completely ignoring whatever the horse is saying to us (in exquisitely subtle changes of energy, expression, and posture), we are unconsciously inflicting on him our scattered energy and the negative emotions generated by our stressful thoughts. Who can blame a horse for trying to escape a situation like that? Who can blame him for shutting down, or finally exploding in frustration when he cannot get away from the torment?

“To pay attention, this is our endless and proper work.”

Mary Oliver

It seems the least we can do, if we are going to be with a horse, is be “all there” with him -- fully present, mindful, paying attention. Now, there’s attention, and there’s attention. A hunter pays attention to the habits and signs of his prey. That’s not the kind I mean. Nor do I mean the kind of appraising attention a potential buyer or veterinarian might give a horse at a pre-purchase exam looking for a fault of conformation, signs of illness, or unsoundness.

What I do mean is the kind of loving attention Thich Nhat Hanh refers to when he writes:

“The most precious gift we can offer others is our presence. When mindfulness embraces those we love, they will bloom like flowers.

This kind of attention requires a certain mindfulness of self, as well as of the Other. We need to develop awareness of the workings of our inner self and learn to notice when our mind is wandering, when we are leaving the present moment. And, we need to practice gently bringing ourselves back to here and now, re-directing our attention to where it belongs -- on the horse with us right here, right now.

“The range of what we think and do is limited by what we fail to notice. And because we fail to notice that we fail to notice, there is nothing we can do to change until we notice how failing to notice shapes our thoughts and deeds.”

R.D. Laing

The reality for most of us is that we continually slip out of here-and-now, so we continually have to gently bring ourselves back to the present. If you have ever done mindfulness meditation -- meditating on a candle flame, or on your breath, or on a mantra -- this process is familiar to you.

Here is how this works for me. When I come to the horses, I make a choice, a decision. I decide that the horse is more important to me in the moments I am with him than anything that happened before we came together or that might happen after we part ways. He is more important than the barn mate (when I had barn mates) who wants to chat while the horse and I are grooming one another. I can make plans with the barn mate to chat later, when Horse and I have finished our time together. Horse is more important than the phone call that might come in. The cell phone can stay home, or in the car, or shut off in my pocket. And, when I notice thoughts arising and my mind wandering backward or forward in time -- or when my horse brings this wandering to my notice -- I gently bring myself back to the present, back to embracing this horse in my mindfulness, my heartfelt attention. I bring myself back to now every time I slip into the past or future -- over and over and over again... as often as it takes. The horse becomes my mantra and our interaction becomes a meditation in motion.

This process of paying attention, of being right smack dab in the middle of NOW with Horse, feels spacious and flowing and timeless. It is not a narrowing of focus. It is an opening of the doors of perception to what is here, the sights, the sounds, the scents, the quality of the energy within ourselves and within the other, the horse at the heart of it all. It is from this place of true unity that an intimate conversation between friends can begin to flow.

“Come out of the circle of time and into the circle of love.”

Rumi